Trying to See Orange

In my last post I announced that I am going to take the Orange Rhino no-yell challenge.  My initial goal was to go 10 days without yelling.  Day one: fail. Raising my voice has become such a natural response that I don't even realize I am doing it until I am halfway through my rant; by then, why stop??  I figured I needed something to remind me of my goals; a big part of me is very visual.  So, I went to a craft store and bought some orange beads.  I bought smaller ones to count the 10 days and then larger ones to add to a jar for every 10 days I go without yelling to count up to 365.  I thought it would be a great reminder, but I still found myself yelling today as the beads were out of sight most of the day being in the kitchen.

Good idea? Yes, and I will continue with it, but I need something that I can carry with me at all times, a bracelet maybe.  I made another realization tonight: Yelling has become a way for our girls handle their frustrations too.  My yelling is a tantrum, of sorts, when things don't go my way, and my beautiful girls are becoming yellers too.  That makes me sad.  I have also noticed that I tend to yell at them when I am frustrated at the mister; we are running late and he is loading the dishwasher, the girls are whining for a snack while I'm getting dinner and he's on the computer...that is when I snap at them.  If it is just between the girls and I, I can usually handle the whining and fussing in a calm manner.  I can't blame him totally though.  I find myself snapping when we are running late on school mornings.  Are we late because of something one of the girls has done?  No. It's usually because I hit my snooze button five too many times.  If I can just get myself to stop and think in the moment and really realize why I am frustrated, it would make all the difference.  Hmm...how many times have I told that to O: Stop and think before you do something?  Looks like I'm also a bit of a hypocrite.  This whole yelling thing is now a family problem and is a lot bigger than I thought.  We (yes, the mister is a yeller too) have a lot of work to do in this household!

I was at the doctor the other day, getting blood drawn for my thyroid and I discussed these issues with the nurse practitioner.  She asked what I did for stress relief and I had no response.  I do nothing for just me.  My every day is dedicated to making everyone around me happy: my kids, my students and my husband.  Ask me who I am and I will tell you a wife, mother, daughter and teacher.  While I am proud to be these things, I need something added on that just involves me.  So, I joined a gym.  My plan is to swim one or two days a week and then get back into kickboxing, which I love, and maybe even try my legs at a hip-hop class (on a day I feel like being embarassed!).  Losing the mommy guilt will be my biggest challenge in involving myself in these activities. My workouts will have to be after work, which will require me to leave the girlies at school longer than usual, or during the weekend when I should be making up lost time with my girls from being away from them all weeklong.  But, as has been told to me a million times, a mama needs to take better care of herself in order to better take care of her family. So, I am biting the bullet and going to try to shove my guilt aside to do something for myself.I'll keep you posted. :)